Setting Boundaries

Raise your hand if you said yes to something you didn’t really want to do? Raise your hand if you said yes to something that you really didn’t have time for? Raise your hand if you said ‘yes’ to something thinking you’ll be fine and have the time, but then as the date creeps closer you realize you don’t have the time and it has added extra stress to your plate? If you didn’t say yes to any of these scenarios, applaud yourself!! If you were one that did say ‘yes’ to any of these scenarios, take a moment to reflect on if it was completely necessary that you said yes.Did you have to do it or, rather, did you felt obligated to not to let others down sacrificing your own needs and thus infringing on your very own boundaries?

But what exactly are boundaries, how can they help us, and how do we set them? Miriam Webster dictionary defines boundaries as “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” Each person has a limit to what they can do and what they can give.  There is a finite amount of time, physical space, emotional/mental space, materials/finances, intellectual abilities, and sexual abilities and tolerances.  Depending on the person, these vary and they continue to vary moment to moment, hour by hour, day to day, and so on.  So many times, people push themselves beyond their limits to serve others and this can take away from our personal needs and thus happiness.  

Think about what your boundaries are for each topic and evaluate whether you feel it is well balanced in your life.  If not, take a moment to think about how you can balance it.

Physical

Physical boundaries involve your personal space, how you give and receive touch, and your physical needs.  Who you allow into your space and when you allow that person or thing into your space is representative of you setting a physical boundary.  For example, choosing to or choosing not to touch, hug, or shake hands with someone is indicative of physical boundaries. Physical boundaries allow people to feel in control and safe.  Most patients, friends, family, and colleagues have found the pandemic has tested their physical boundaries and many have had to re-evaluate their physical boundaries and comfort level.

Emotional

Emotional boundaries entail how much emotional support you can invest and give to other relationships while maintaining your own emotional homeostasis. Emotional support also depends on how much you choose to share your personal life with others; for example, you may share more with your friends than those you work with to avoid blurring the lines of work and personal life.   Protecting your emotional boundaries means you are allowed to feel your emotions, in your own space, without feeling judged or inadequate.  It is also important to realize that you are not responsible for the emotions and feelings of others; each person reacts differently to different situations.

Feeling your own emotions in a safe space.

Sexual

Sexual boundaries apply to all people.  It is so important to understand for yourself what you are comfortable and not comfortable with to be able to speak up or physically push someone away when you are not okay with a particular action.  This involves providing consent with intimacy and deciding where, how, when, and with whom you want to be touched.  Defining these boundaries clearly and communicating them will help to prevent harm to yourself.

Intellectual/Spiritual

Everyone has the right to their own thoughts and beliefs and each person has this right without the judgement of others.  It is normal to have differing opinions and thoughts than others and to be able to discuss them, however, when your thoughts are dismissed or put down, then this is a violation of your intellectual boundaries.

An open discussion in a nonjudgmental environment.

Time

Time boundaries are how you spend your time and recognizing that your time is valuable and finite.  A friend once said “my time is money” and he weighs decisions of things he does according to this statement.  The more I have thought about this, the more I realize he is not wrong.  Setting time boundaries helps you allocate the appropriate time for those people and activities that you need to be healthy and happy.  Understanding how you allocate your time is important to help you identify people and activities that are a poor use of your time or cause you to feel stretched too thin.

Material

Material boundaries protect your assets.  Material boundaries help you decide what, when, and how much you lend, share, or give.  It also helps you determine what you are comfortable taking from others.

Boundaries protect us and help us stay safe and healthy.  Boundaries require a delicate balance between so many aspects of our life and our boundaries will change depending on where we are at in our lives.  There may be times where you extend your material boundaries because finances are more plentiful, or perhaps you have lost trust in a relationship and your sexual boundaries have changed.  Regardless of the situation, it is important to understand and reassess your boundaries.  Spend time thinking about them and when you are asked something from someone, think about yourself in that process before answering.  It is okay to say no and to put yourself first in order to keep yourself healthy.  

As we move into January 2022, this is a great time to assess your boundaries and your comfort level with each category of boundary.  What do you need to be successful this year?  2022 is a chance to start new and flip a new calendar page to decide what standard you will try to set for yourself and others this year.  Cheers to the journey!  May you learn and grow this year, just like all the years before.